After Year-long Debate with Self, Satan Still Can’t Bring Himself to Endorse Trump

Donald Trump at a lectern

7th CIRCLE HELL – When pressed for a 2016 Presidential endorsement, the Prince of Darkness replied, “Well, you’d think Trump is the obvious pick, but he’s almost too bad to support.” Lucifer further explained, “As most of your readers know, my agenda has always been ushering in the End of Times. But what your readers don’t realize is that my ideal Armageddon would be subtle, patient… a long con.

Asked to give an example of a past candidate that exhibited the ideal Presidential qualities, Lucifer snapped, “Reagan! Reagan was great! Here’s a guy who sold the Iranians weapons, may have introduced crack cocaine to impoverished communities, and privatized the prison system in America, all with a high approval rating and Brooks Brothers suits. Now that’s my style! I thought that Reagan was the guy who was going to bring about Judgment Day, but he disappointed in the end.”

It was brought to Satan’s attention that Trump often cites Reagan’s America as an example of how the country could be again, but Satan shook his head and said, “Yeah, but Reagan’s vision was successful because people liked Reagan. He could be subtle and patient and con gracefully. Trump won’t be able to execute like Reagan did. If Trump brings about the end of the world, it’ll be because he buys a Russian mail-order bride that will turn over our nuclear codes to Putin.”

After completing this jab, Satan looked sullen and visibly worried. When asked how the decision was weighing on him, he said, “I started to pray to God for guidance, and you know how much I hate that Guy? The fact I need to pray to endorse a presidential candidate really shows how bad these choices are.” Satan said he’s holding out as long as he can before he communicates his final choice to his subjects. “I’m still hoping Gary Johnson or Hillary Clinton says something unequivocally evil, so I can back one of them. At least they seem devilishly intelligent.”