PENSICOLA – John Thomas, a Florida native, golf enthusiast and regional director of sales for Publix Supermarkets was bestowed another title in a world-record upset: World’s Smallest Penis.
Thomas was shocked and humbled by the findings, recently verified by a team of Guinness Book of World Records field researchers. They were able to confirm the anatomical anomaly that Thomas had been compensating for his whole life, just by looking at his car.
“Clearly,” said anatomical compensation expert, Amanda Goetz-Moller, “we were dealing with a level of overcompensation we’d never seen before. I mean, he tipped the scales with the size of his engine, the volume of his rev, even the sound of his horn, which plays ‘La Cucaracha’ in lieu of a horn blast. He is our white whale, or more accurately, our teeny white minnow.”
Thomas worked for years, dressing in increasingly gaudy designer wear and excessive Drakkar Noir cologne, but what finally got the attention of researchers was his purchase of a Ford F450 Super Duty Pick Up, outfitted with monster truck components. Thomas extended the truck frame with gigantic 66-inch tires, an eight-foot frame and suspension network, and an earsplitting 1500 horsepower engine. “The torque on this bad-boy is unbelievable, and it’s so big, I can’t even coast under most overpasses,” bragged Thomas. “It’s so big, I had to invest in a bigger garage, ladies.”
The Guinness Records research team also took into account the meticulous care Thomas had taken on the cab interior. He sprung for heated leather seats, a deluxe sound system, and a moon roof to maximize riding pleasure. “Clearly, Mr. Thomas is hoping to overwhelm his driving companions, before eventually underwhelming them in the bedroom,” said Goetz-Moller. “He’s so small in the game, he dropped over 100K on this behemoth overcompensation.”
When asked how he felt about his newly published world record, Thomas just threw on a pair of aviators and ascended the 10-foot ladder he must use to enter and exit the vehicle and said, “Chicks dig a record holder, man.” With this new record, Thomas unseats former record holder Albert Prince in the UK county of Surrey. When asked for his comment on the new record-holder, Prince simply shouted, “Bullocks!”