The Vinyl Really Does Make it Sound Better, Man Keeps Telling Himself

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man with glasses and bowler hat

HIPSTERFIELD – Former digital technology junkie turned decades-old record-hawk Trevor Pantysmart has figured it all out. He has finally made the switch from digital music to vinyl records. In addition to throwing out all of his CDs, Pantysmart also cleared his computer and smartphone of all mp3s, cancelled his subscription to Tidal, and has forsaken listening to music of any kind in his vehicle. Repurchasing all of his (mostly un-listened to) music on vinyl has cost him over $6000, and he still has over half of his old collection to buy back in record form. As to why he made this drastic switch, Pantysmart said, “Vinyl just sounds better man. The difference is clear.”

Pantysmart made this decision after reading countless articles full of sound engineering jargon, which he doesn’t understand, about how best to enjoy his music, which doesn’t really mean much to him. Stating that he “can totally tell the difference” because he read somewhere that vinyl has a “warm sound,” Pantysmart has now fully convinced himself that he can hear skips in mp3s where the music has been broken up. He thinks all this despite listening to vinyl on his $30 all-in-one record player & speakers set. By contrast, he used to listen to his digital music on a $700 set of Bose computer speakers, which were a Christmas gift back when Pantysmart was young and naïve. As for the surface cracks and hisses on most of his old, worn out vinyl records, Pantysmart thinks, “That’s just part of the experience.”

Pantysmart has been so invigorated by his vinyl awakening that he now tries to proselytize his newfound aural gospel wherever he can. “When I hear friends playing music off their computer at parties and social gatherings, I make sure to plug my ears with my fingers so they know I’m not used to listening to such poor sound quality,” Pantysmart admitted proudly. “Once they turn the music off, I politely tell them how they are listening to sub-standard garbage technology that’s been shoved down their throat by the greedy tech industry. I’m doing them a favor, really.” Before concluding the interview, Pantysmart couldn’t resist throwing out another bit of rhetoric he read somewhere at some point, “Even Steve Jobs listened to vinyl, man! Did you know that? I bet you didn’t.”