United Airlines Rolls Out Reduced Rug Burn Carpet

Interior of an empty airliner

In an effort to curb negative publicity surrounding recent plane ejections, United Airlines announced Saturday that they will be installing new reduced rug burn carpeting in the aisles on all of their planes. After nearly a month of negative press, United hopes the new floor covering will bring back customers nervous about potential redness or irritation when they are pulled off the plane.

The new carpeting is made from 100% plush wool fibers blended with the finest Indian silk and is designed to all but eliminate friction burn on the bodies of passengers as they are forcibly removed. United also took aesthetic design into consideration, as lush, cool-color floral patterns were chosen in case commuters are flipped upside down as they are lugged off the plane in full view of everyone.

“We want to become a no raspberries airline,” said United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz from his desk, surrounded by security. “Being dragged across our new luxury carpet is like riding on a cloud, gently caressing you as you drift out of consciousness.”

In addition to its soft features, the new carpet is also easy to clean. “I was afraid the blood from the strike to the back of my head from the security officer was going to leave a big stain that I’d have to pay for,” said Dr. Hans, a frequently tossed United customer on his way to handle a medical emergency. “But nope! My blood wiped right out of this space-age new material. And what a soft landing!”

Despite the upgrade and throngs of returning customers who can’t get enough of the new comfy carpeting, United CEO Munoz isn’t taking his customers for granted. “If you’ve ever had a bad experience while comatose on one of our airplanes, I’d like to invite you back. We’ll give you one free flight and a backstage pass to our VIP back room, where our security staff can show you the details of our new flooring up close, over and over again, at no additional charge.”

United did give one caveat: the reduced rug burn carpet will only be added to the first-class aisles. Coach carpeting will still be made from rough avocado green burlap material littered with cigarette burns from the 70s.