Trump Appoints Steven Seagal as Secretary of Why Not?

Goatee sporting Steven Seagal

WASHINGTON D. C.- President Elect Donald Trump continues to add to his cabinet, nominating Steven Seagal to be Secretary of Why Not? Trump felt that Mr. Seagal was so qualified that the future President went out of his way to create the new cabinet position just for him. “He’s terrific,” said Mr. Trump after emerging from a meeting with Seagal inside Trump tower. “I’ve seen his movies. I tell ya, the bad guys he takes down…and he never loses. Unbelievable. So I thought, why not?”

The choice to name Seagal to a cabinet position has Democrats and some defense hawks worried because of his ties with the Russian government, especially on the heels of Rex Tillerson’s appointment. Seagal called Vladimir Putin “one of the great living world leaders,” and once referred to the Russian president as “a brother.” Trump didn’t seem concerned. “What Seagal and Russia do is none of my business, none of your business, and none of America’s business…besides, have you seen how fast the guy can kick?”

Another mystery is what exactly will be Steven Seagal’s role in the US government. When asked about what the Secretary of Why Not’s job entails, Trump responded, “whatever the hell he wants.” When pressed for more specifics about what Mr. Seagal, in particular, would do at the post, Trump replied, “I’ll leave foreign and domestic affairs to the policy wonks working under Mr. Seagal. That will give him plenty of time to work on making Russia great again…America, excuse me. Making America great again.”