Trader Joe’s Report Reveals All Quarterly Profits Were From Wine & Chocolate

Wine bottles on a shelf at a Trader Joes grocery store

MONROVIA – The grocery store Trader Joe’s released its quarterly reports today, which revealed that nearly all of the company’s profits came from wine and chocolate sales. While typical groceries item sales were moderate, and would keep the company barely afloat on their own, transactions involving classy and cheap wine varieties or anything (and I mean anything) covered in chocolate were through the roof.

Trader Joe’s CEO, Dan Bane explained that there’s really no money to be made anymore in staples like bread and butter.  “Our real bread and butter is chocolate and wine” says Bane with the joyful snicker of a man in the money.  “Since binge watching Netflix and other streaming channels became socially acceptable, Friday night shoppers fill their baskets with fancy-sounding reds and dark chocolate covered sea salt almonds, and all I can say is cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-CHING BABY!”

Bane also notes that the skyrocketing sales of wine and chocolate is helped by the rise of foodie culture. “What makes Trader Joes unique is that we’re the ‘quirky’ grocery store, with imported goods, unusual products, and store managers that refer to themselves as ‘captain.’ Thus we attract a lot of artesian eaters.  And let me tell you something, these hipsters EAT UP weird combinations of chocolate and wines that people think are ‘trendy’, or ‘ironic.’ I tell you, If I had a dollar for every time a self-proclaimed nonconformist bought a bottle of Piction Bay Sauvignon Blanc and a tub of dark chocolate covered pomegranate seeds…oh wait, I do get a buck every time that happens! I guess that’s why I’m so rich!”

This sales trend is expected to continue until October, when TJ’s is set to unveil fifty new pumpkin-flavored or inspired products. “Everything from baby wipes to beer will be infused with fall’s favorite flavor,” says Bane enthusiastically. “Pumpkin spice face moisturizing cream, ground up pumpkin seed ink, actual pumpkin flavored pumpkins…you name it, we’re cashing in on it.”