DAMASCUS, SYRIA – After a new poll found that a majority of Syrian people do not want to let Americans into their country, president Bashar Hafez al-Assad has decreed that the Western-Asian country will close its borders to refugees fleeing violence in urban Chicago neighborhoods. According to the al-Assad administration, the civil war going on in the South-West side of Chicago between various gangs and the police is a humanitarian crisis that should be dealt with by city and state officials, and should not involve other nations.
Not wanting to appear cold-hearted, al-Assad added, “We see the violence on our television screens. We see the horror of drugs and police brutality. Do we not feel a tug in our heart for the dozens of poor people killed by homicides in Chicago every month? Well, sure, but we’ve got to look out for our own. For every good Chicago resident we let in, how many gang leaders, or bad-apple police officers will slip by? It’s like this: if you had a bag of Allikeh [Syrian chewy candy], and three were poisoned, would you eat the bag? No, of course not.”
Not all Syrian citizens agree. Advocates point to the already extreme vetting process American refugees must go through in order to enter into Syria, and that most fleeing Chicago are helpless women and children looking for a new life. This has not dissuaded Al-Assad, however, who has held a firm stance in the face of pressure from this vocal minority. “These Americans have to find somewhere else to go. They will use up our resources, will provide no benefit to our economy, and frankly, we are not responsible for the mess that’s over there right now. The first time we’d have a drive-by or unprovoked police shooting, people will say, ‘I told you so.’ And they would be right.”