CHICAGO, IL – Due to the scientific consensus of an elevated risk for pre-flight concussions when flying with United Airlines, the Surgeon General has placed warnings on all United boarding passes. The warnings are accompanied by the image of a skull and crossbones, as well as a looming security guard brandishing a night stick.
“The Surgeon General has determined that United Airlines is dangerous to your health,” reads one obviously true warning. It goes on to say that, “Flying with United Airlines may cause serious injuries to the back of the head, concussion, withdrawal, and possibly even carpet burn.”
Other warnings are more passenger specific, like one that reads “Women should not fly United Airlines during pregnancy due to increased risk of birth defects.”
Still others implore travelers to take preventative measure, with one reading, “Quitting United Airlines now greatly reduces serious risk to your health, and the health of your loved ones.”
For their part, United Airline’s PR division is taking steps to counter these new warnings, unveiling their new company mascot Oxy-Jenny, the in-flight oxygen mask. Oxy-Jenny will be featured in several TV spots and pre-flight programming, repeating the catch phrase, “Remember kids, when security guards grab you, you’re not a wimp if you just go limp!”