Split-Up EU, UK Begin Process of Separating DVD Collection

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Theresa May and British diplomatic delegation on airfield

LONDON- An emergency Parliamentary Meeting has been called as United Kingdom Prime Minister Theresa May and visiting EU officials discuss the terms of Britain’s controversial EU ‘Brexit’. Most importantly: Who gets to keep what titles from a vast shared collection of DVDs.

Representative on each side were tense before discussions began, hoping for an amicable exchange. However, talks between the entities appear to have dissolved as of press time. These sessions have been closed to the public, but nearby MPs reported shouting, sounds of furniture breaking, and soft sobbing as the nations attempt to divvy up their collection.

Parliament has set aside a list of high priority titles, like ‘James Bond’ franchise films, ‘Dr. Who’ and ‘The Office’ box sets, and a Blu-Ray of Monty Python & The Holy Grail with special features. “It’d be nice of the EU let us have Black Adder, series 1-4,” said Labour Party MP Hortence McCready, “it was our gift to them, but they never really got into it. They mostly fell asleep watching it.”

EU officials have shown extreme diplomacy after an early attempt to place ‘Braveheart’ in an EU milk crate stymied the talks. German Chancellor Angela Merkel, a Mel Gibson super-fan, took the disk with the understanding that,

“Britain never even liked ‘Braveheart’. They always said it portrayed them in such a poor light.” Unable to come to a compromise, the DVD was placed in a growing pile of undecided titles.
Britons readily surrendered many of the European Union’s top choices, like ‘Run Lola Run’, ‘Das Boot’ and raunchy teen comedy ‘Euro-Trip’ (though all parties agreed it was a crass but fun romp in a rare moment of levity). Both sovereign entities were too embarrassed to take ownership of DVDs like ‘Deuce Bigalow Male Gigolo’, or ‘Paul Blart Mall Cop’, each citing the other’s poor taste.

In weeks to come, EU and UK officials are expected to haggle bitterly over widescreen vs. fullscreen editions of the Aliens trilogy, The Dark Knight Director’s Cut and Schindler’s List. In a brief recess, Theresa May stated, “We may have won the battle for some of our cherished DVD library, but we’re no closer to figuring out who gets custody of the Netflix account.”