Sessions Demands ICE Separate Conjoined Twins at Mexican Border

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MCALLEN, TX – After President Trump’s “zero-tolerance” immigration law led to the separation of thousands of immigrant children from their parents, attorney general Jeff Sessions has gone out of his way to defend both the GOP and the actions of U.S border agents. This Sunday, Sessions doubled down on the issue. After word reached Washington of an immigrant woman giving birth to a set of conjoined twins, Sessions demanded the babies be separated at the border – as U.S. policy now demands.

Sessions himself addressed the press alongside the border shortly before the operation.

“Now I assure you, we are going about this matter just as the lord intended. If I may cite for you bible verse: 1 Kings, 3:25… ‘bring me my sword, for we shall divide the living child in two'” he said before brandishing a saber and heading into the operating room.

Despite Sessions’ enthusiasm, the operation went off without a hitch and the mother was blessed with two healthy babies: a girl and a boy.  Sadly, the babies were promptly taken away from their mother, but fortunately before Sessions could perform the circumcision.