Senior Citizen Mall Walkers Resent Being Called “The Walking Dead”

Elderly man and two elderly women walking laps in a mall

GEEZERVILLE – A group of disgruntled senior citizens are fighting back against the cruel taunts from meddlesome teenagers at a local Pennsylvania mall this week. Richard M. Grimes is the head organizer for a crew of retirees who meet every day at the Green Oaks Mall for powerwalking exercises. He says that a “troublesome gang of hoodlums” are going around referring to the mall walking group as, “The Walking Dead.”

“These hooligans come in with their fancy pocket phones and backwards caps and start harassing us elderly folk who worked all our lives to make a living,” lamented Grimes. “They say we’ll have to eat brains to sustain ourselves, but how can we? Them youngin’s ain’t got no brains to eat! Haha! I guess that’s what the kids nowadays call one of them there burns!”

When the verbal abuse from the teenagers began, most of the seniors were unaware of the popular American horror drama, and initially brushed off the criticism. It was only when told by a Kiosk attendant that the teenager’s declarations were derogatory that Grimes and company decided to take a stand. “I didn’t know what they were hootin’ and hollerin’ about at first,” admitted Grimes, “but apparently they think we look and act like undead corpses on some TV show that’s hip with the younger generation. Hogwash! Why, I’m as spry as a freshly hatched baby chicken!”

Grimes did reveal to the press that the mall walking group had a plan to get even. “This lousy bunch of lowlife delinquents think they can just go around disrespecting their elders? HEH! Jokes on them. We old folks have connections around here. We told the nice young lady who works at the bubblegum shop [Sweet Factory Candy Store] to give them a mean look when they go to buy their cherry cordials. And we asked the Sears attendants to yell, ‘Get off our lawn-care supplies’ when they start messing around in the back of the store. That’ll teach ‘em. Yes sir.”