Sean Spicer Resigns, Takes Podium With Him

Sean Spicer driving away from the White House with podium in car.

WASHINGTON – White House press secretary Sean Spicer’s sudden departure came as a surprise, but even more of a surprise was the departure of his podium.

“It’s mine!” Spicer shouted, as he pushed the podium down the hallway. “It’s mine, and it’s coming with me!”

White House officials stared in disbelief, as Spicer and his podium bulldozed past reporters and through the entrance hall. Security was ready to restrain him, but staffers cried out: “Let him go! Spicey’s had a rough week! That podium means so much to him!”

Spicer seemed unstoppable, although he struggled through the doors, and took a bit of a tumble going down the White House steps.

The press began demanding answers, as they clamored toward the briefing room. One NPR reporter turned back and followed Spicer, hoping to get some comments, but Spicer could only be heard yelling into traffic to no one in particular, “I hate you!”

The White House is not pressing charges for stolen property, and President Trump had nothing but praise for his former press secretary. “Sean Spicer has been great, I mean look at his great television ratings,” the president tweeted. “He can have the podium – we’ll build a bigger, better one.”

A White House representative told us that Spicer’s podium design is unique. It has a battering ram that extends when confronting reporters and a hidden drawer for Spicer’s stash of chewing gum.

Sean Spicer was last seen trying to check his podium at the airport after buying a ticket to Rome, while mumbling something about seeing the pope.