LAKE TOMAHAWK, WI—Speaking to reporters outside his Styrofoam container, an utterly sick and depraved nightcrawler announced Wednesday that he gets off on being suspended by a fishing hook and having his nude body nibbled on by fish.
“Good God, nothing makes me squirm harder than dangling in that cold water and watching a fish emerge from the murky darkness, only to start tugging my body like an accordion,” the nightcrawler said in his disturbing confession, adding that if he had one complaint about the entire experience, it’s that the ‘pussy’ fish don’t bite him harder. “My favorite part is when I’m first impaled by the hook—especially when it pierces through one of my hearts. A classic Aberdeen hook is exhilarating, but nothing beats a rusty jig hook.”
Described by his acquaintances as a “degenerate,” the nightcrawler also confirmed that he doesn’t discriminate over which fish he lets chew on him. In fact, he confided that he actually prefers it when entire schools of fish take turns having their way with him.
“I love all fish, but if I’m being honest, I’d say Largemouth bass are my favorite. They have these big, oval mouths that are perfect for sucking my innards dry. Hopefully someday they’ll rip me in half so that there will be two of me to nibble on. Then I’ll have achieved nighcrawler nirvana.”
The nightcrawler went on to confirm that he’s also interested in experimenting with letting a bird take him back to its nest so that he can be gobbled up by its hatchlings.