Rio Athletes Terrified of Zika But Cool with Side Effects of Doping

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Massive flexed bicep with a large hypodermic needle being stuck into it.

RIO DE JANEIRO – At this year’s summer Olympic Games in Rio, athletes are becoming increasingly more terrified at the prospect of the spread of the Zika virus. However, most remain unconcerned with the side effects from performance enhancing drugs, the symptoms of which include acne, balding, impotence, and an increased risk for liver, heart, or blood clot damage.

Daria Spiridonova of the Russian women’s gymnastics team encapsulated this dichotomy at a press conference earlier this afternoon. “Oh, Zika, no way, that stuff is terrifying. Even the name sounds like an ancient Egyptian God of pestilence or something. ‘ZIKA’ Scary.” Although the virus poses potential risks of birth defects for pregnant women, the typical symptoms are generally mild, only last up to a week, and only affect 1 in 5 people with the infection. When reporters pointed this out to Spiridonova, she replied, “Yeah, yeah, you media types are just trying to get me to do something dumb so mother Russia won’t win the gold. I see through your lies!”

When questioned about her feelings towards the side effects of performance enhancing drugs Spiridonova had a completely different reaction. “Look, I’m not saying that I take performance enhancing drugs that will allow me to absolutely crush the competition at these Olympic Games. And I do mean CRUSH…but if I did, well, it would be in pursuit of the gold baby! I’ll take some acne or a little balding here or there if it lets me stick the landing on a double layout, half twist triple tuck pike!…But I won’t, of course, because I’m a clean athlete.” When reporters pointed out to Spiridonova that the flip she described was not physically possible, Spiridonova replied, “It’s not impossible while experiencing steroid rage after a shot to the neck of exogenous anabolic fluoxymestrerone…which I personally have never taken in my life. And I definitely didn’t just complete the move earlier this afternoon. But if I had, well, let me tell you it would have been sick!”