Republicans Looking to Prevent Gun Violence by Banning Schools

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WASHINGTON – Following the latest school shooting, students across the nation have been calling upon US officials for new regulations to better protect them from the threat of gun violence. Well today it appears the government has reached a decision: working together alongside the NRA, the house passed a bill to insure no child will fall victim to a gun inside of school again – announcing a nationwide ban of school.

“It was the only logical thing to do,” said Speaker of the House Paul Ryan. “We shouldn’t be dropping our children off in these ‘death-camps’ day after day. Instead, we should be teaching them at home, so if a threat is presented they will have a choice between a handgun, AR-15, pump action shotgun, or some kind of flame-propelling weaponry.”

The bill ties in nicely to the budget conservatives passed recently that slashed funding for education. Now that the schools no longer need the funds, the country can finally throw out radical ideas like evolution and sexual-education in favor of more important lessons such as how to clear a live round from the chamber, disassembling a rifle blindfolded, and AP threat neutralization.