WOODLAWN – New research by the Social Security Administration, in collaboration with the Medicare Board of Trustees, finds that Millennials are now on track to retire by the age of 105, on average. This figure also coincides with the average age in which Millennials are expected to finally pay off their student loan debts, which is about 106.
The acting commissioner of the American Social Security Administration, Carolyn W Colvin, tried to assuage young citizens about their looming prospects. “Look, people are living longer, healthier lives. 100 is the new 30, baby! By the time you youngins get to be my age (74), medical advances will guarantee that you’ll be much more active than my generation. You’ll still be exercising, taking dance classes, and probably working a second or third job during the graveyard shift just to make ends meet. At that point you’ll only have about thirty to forty short years of work before you’ll be eligible for social security benefits!”
In addition to the long wait for retirement that people in their twenties and thirties are expected to endure, experts predict that citizens retiring in the year 2096 will only receive about 44% of the benefits that retirees today will receive. Again, Colvin tried to put a positive spin on the findings. “Hey, you Millennials have been scraping the bottom of the income barrel for years now. Plus you’ve had massive student loan debt all your life, so you’re used to living with less! You know how to stretch a dollar to make it last. Maybe you will be the generation of the tiny home! Or maybe you’ll be the ‘Renter-Forever’ generation…Hey, that’s kind of catchy!”
But even these dire predictions do not take into account all possible emergency scenarios that might take place over the next seventy years to further destabilize social safety nets. Another international financial collapse, surprise nuclear attack, and the destruction of coastal cities at the hands of global warming all threaten to drown the nation in debt, and force the federal government to divert resources away from programs such as Social Security and Medicare in order to respond. To these concerns, Colvin struggled to sound undaunted. “Well…you know, kids just always seem to land on their feet these days. No generation is as prepared for an apocalyptic scenario as the one coming up. I tell ya these youngins they…well, they watch enough zombie pandemic shows that I’m sure they’ll be ready for anything!”