CHICAGO – A new report finds that your super well-adjusted co-worker, José, can type without looking down, and thus is almost certainly smarter than you. The study finds that not only can José compose a sentence without constantly checking his keyboard, but as a result his typing speed is more than four times faster than yours.
Even more striking, the report finds that the number of errors he produces is astoundingly lower than what you bang out on a regular basis, despite you taking your precious time to check every little key before pressing it. The study also finds that José is adept at using more than two fingers at a time, which, as the report indicates, is pitiful.
José’s intelligence quotient, estimated by his incredible typing speed, is probably about 30 points higher than your embarrassingly low, borderline mentally-handicapped score. As evidenced by his impeccably shaped head, José’s brain mass is probably 15-20 bigger, even when yours is swelled up from trying to think real hard. In addition, the report indicates that José’s mind is virtually on autopilot when constructing a sentence, while conservative estimates indicate you use 98% of your focus and brain capacity to merely type the word “juxtaposition” without making an error.
The report goes on to discuss the ramifications of these findings. José is projected to live longer, have more sex, with more people, reach a much greater sense of self-actualization, and think much deeper, more satisfying thoughts than you. Finally, José is projected to move up and out of your shitty little company office before you could even piece together a coherent résumé not littered with typos. In fact, there’s a 80% chance that José will be the one looking through your shitty little cover letter when you apply at his new firm. Upon looking, there’s a 99% chance that he will reject you, thanks in large part to your awful typing skills.