SAN FRANCISCO – Have we got news for you – you better listen! A hot and steamy forecast by the weather girls back in 1982 is coming true: it is going to rain men.
Hallelujah? Not so fast says the National Weather Service. While a steady downpour of every specimen (tall, blonde, dark and lean; rough and tough and strong and mean) may seem enticing, it’s actually probably going to be a health crisis the like of which the country has never seen.
Louis W. Uccellini, director of the National Weather Service as well as the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Assistant Administrator for Weather Services, sounded the alarm.
“It’s going to be chaos,” proclaimed Uccellini, “Humidity is rising, barometer’s getting low. According to some sources the street’s the place to go, but I’m here to tell you that this is false. Don’t go out onto the street. I repeat: do not go out onto the street! Cause tonight for the first time, just about half-past ten, for the first time in history it’s gonna start raining men. And the results are going to be a lot worse than you think.”
Uccellini described the horrors of what it will be like when full grown adults literally fall from the sky. Blood and carnage is to be expected, as well as the grave risk of injury for pedestrians hit by the falling humans. “Mother Nature might be a single woman, and yes every woman might find the perfect guy…but that perfect guy is going to be a bleeding, contorted mess after falling 7000ft from the sky. Umbrellas will not save you from the blunt force trauma.”
According to Uccellini, your best bet is to stay inside. “All you lonely girls, when you feel stormy weather moving in don’t lose your head. Keep your roof on and stay in bed.” Uccellini added, “Seriously folks, this is going to be horrific – as bad as you think it would be. Bodies will literally fall from the sky.”