HEAVEN — As the population exceeds 7 billion, it has been increasingly difficult for God
to answer all prayers. Through the advice of His CPO, Chief Prayer Officer, God is now outsourcing prayer analysis to Omni Intel, a big data firm specializing in Truth with a capital T. Omni Intel scours the data-sphere for indicators of prayer worthiness.
An official spokes angel for Omni Intel, Archie Angelo, told us that their proprietary all-knowing algorithm heavily weights Facebook Likes. “One’s circle of influence and value to the community has a direct correlation to his or her number of Friends, number of Shares and Likes, and number of favorable emojis,” said Angelo.
“There are exceptions; trolls may garner plentiful Facebook engagement; however, it is negative and considered a measure of hate and sin,” explained Angelo.
Although we couldn’t secure an interview directly with God, we did hear through his office door, “Only 14 likes? Good luck getting that new kidney.”
Back on Earth, Jessica Meyer, a believer in the power of Likes, is praying for an internship and knows that every Facebook Amen counts. She used to wait until Sundays to ask people individually for prayers, but now she says that it’s so much easier. “With Facebook, God can clearly see how many Amens and from whom. Mortals aren’t the only ones #obsessed with Facebook. BTW, let me know when you post this article. I’m totally going to Share it with my Facebook church group.”