Polling Confirms Fear Itself Isn’t the Only Thing Nation is Afraid Of

photo by Robby McKee

In light of the shocking election result, detailed exit polling challenging the conventional wisdom that the only thing to fear, is fear itself has surfaced. While there are some Americans who believe that fear is a dangerous concept that can cause unspeakable damage if left unchecked, many more citizens have enthusiastically embraced fear and loathing, and have taken to being constantly scared with rapturous abandon.

When asked about their predilection for irrational, crazy person levels of fear and paranoia, one respondent admitted, “You know, I like being scared all the time. It gets my heart racing and is truly the only thing that makes me feel alive, which won’t be for very long because of the terrorists who want me dead.”

Details gleaned from the polling data paint a picture of isolated enclaves that for all their fear, tend to shun the bright lights of major cities and other centers of progress and change.

“Listen, buddy,” another man polled said, “Sure I’m afraid of bears and other animals that hide out in these woods, but at least I know what those things are. Out in the city you got all kinds of weird looking wild people. You don’t know what they’ll do or say. Bears ain’t gonna put crazy ideas in your kids’ heads. Also, you’re allowed to shoot bears.”