SPECIAL PLACE IN HELL — Taking a few moments from his eternal torment, the ghost of Adolf Hitler has responded to the controversy surrounding Sean Spicer and his assertion that Syrian President Bashar al-Assad had eclipsed him in evil gassing proficiency.
“Please, just leave me out of this,” ghost Hitler moaned. “I’m not just talking about how blatantly stupid and wrong that American clown was about me. People need to realize that I’m the best there ever was at being bad and move on. One measly gas attack does not a Hitler make.”
Hitler went on to explain that his legacy of hate was being tarnished by subpar comparisons. “This guy’s Hitler, that guy’s Hitler. Hitler, Hitler, Hitler – you see? Keep saying it, and it has no meaning anymore!”
Ghost Hitler blamed the internet for the sad turn of events. “Lots of wannabes there, but not even close! Plus, they try to make me all cute and cuddly by putting me in memes and weirdo conspiracy theories!”
“For instance, the 420 populist propaganda is clearly misdirected,” ghost Hitler said. “Why on earth would stoners want to celebrate my birthday? It’s well-known that I didn’t drink or smoke. Please, leave me out of this nonsense, and let me suffer in peace. My struggle is real.”