Pirate Admits Wearing Eyepatch Just For Looks

Sneering pirate in full regalia including an eye patch.

LONGBOAT KEY – A Florida area pirate has admitted that his eyepatch is not really what it seems. Old One-Eyed Lookout Jack said he first put on the eyepatch years ago as part of his look. He doesn’t actually have a missing eye.

“Every pirate needs a look,” Jack said. “And Avast, I had no peg leg, hook hand, or missing body part. Heck, I didn’t even have a scarrr…yarrrr!”

One day Jack encountered a rival pirate who’d set foot on his home of Shelter Island. It was Old One-Eyed Skurvy Bottom Steve searching for buried treasure. Naturally, a swordfight ensued, and Jack slashed the side of Steve’s head, cutting off his eyepatch. Steve retreated, calling out, “Yarrr! You’ll pay for me eyepatch, you posh pirate.”

Jack took the word “posh” to be an insult, given his rather posh and sheltered upbringing on Shelter Island. What Steve actually meant by “posh” was “thief,” one of small coin. Nevertheless, Jack grabbed the eyepatch as a souvenir, tied-up the string and tried it on.

“My whole character changed,” Jack said. “I used to be called Shelter Island Jack, the sheltered pirate who feared leaving port. I was a sissy pirate. But with the eyepatch on, I suddenly looked dangerous, like the Scourge of the 7 Seas. Aey! It gave me strength! I swabbed me decks of me ship, Boy-O-War, and took off on a piratical quest, seeking loot and treasure!”

Jack’s depth perception was slightly impaired by using only one eye, but he cared not, for he looked fierce upon the waters of the Gulf. He soon changed his name to One Eye. He sought out his rival, One-Eyed Skurvy Bottom Steve, so he could show him what a tough pirate he’d become.

“If I ever meet up with my rival,” said Jack, “I’ll fight him and take another eyepatch from him. Then I can wear 2 eyepatches at once, and they can call me No-Eyed Lookout Steve! Well, I’d best drop the “Lookout” part of me name. I wouldn’t make much of a lookout, considering both eyes would be covered with eyepatches. I’d instead be called No-Eyed Steve, the blind pirate –Yarrr!”