Pimp My Ride Really Doesn’t Know What to Do for Your Nissan Altima

A beaten up old Nissan Altima in someone's backyard.

LOS ANGELES – Xzibit, host of the former “Pimp My Ride” show, had bad news for his neighbor:  there’s no good way to pimp up a 2005 Nissan Altima.

The neighbor, Daryl Dullord, asked Xzibit if his ride was pimpable, but even West Coast Customs couldn’t come up with anything for this sorry set of wheels. “I want something swagalicious in my life,” Dullord said.

Xzibit took a look at the car, which had a burning oil smell, lackluster acceleration, a broken driver side mirror, and floor rust patched with duct tape. He made a call into the shop, but nobody there had any inclination to take it. Ish, who does interiors, said he could give the Altima some comfortable plush seats, but that would only make people more likely to fall asleep from boredom in the stodgy sedan.

So then Xzibit had to speak to Dullord. “Yo dawg, I’m gonna tell you straight up,” Xzibit said. “We can’t do nothing for your ride. I’ve never heard the boys so uninspired by a car in my life.”

Xzibit went on to point out problems with the model year, including a bad engine, bad transmission, and a floor that rusts straight through. Most of all though, he said the Altima is a completely dull driving experience, and not even his tricky band of customizers can drive it out from the doldrums.

“The boys have shaped up some sad looking vehicles, but this one’s got no style and no hustle,” Xzibit said. “I hate to say it, but this car’s got Boring written all over it. In fact, that’s what I’d do, just spray paint the word ‘Boring’ on it.”

Dullord was disappointed but not surprised. He has since been leaving his Altima unlocked with the keys in the ignition, but so far there have been no takers.