Paying Others to Do His Homework Catching up to Donald Trump

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Donald Trump at a desk with papers strewn about

WASHINGTON – President Trump is discovering that a mind is a terrible thing to pretend to have. He achieved the highest office in the land with the lowest effort in learning, and it all started back in fourth grade.

Young Donald Trump began his schooling with a small allowance of $100 a week from his father, which he used to pay schoolmates to do his homework. “I was a quick learner,” said Trump of his early years, “because I learned how to get ahead. I got straight A’s while I was out playing mini golf and picking up 2nd grade girls. It was a tremendous time.”

Donald’s grades were above average because he sought help from the brightest kids, some of whom now regret helping him. “I should have made him do his math so he’d have developed some logic,” said junior high school classmate Norman Hugenerd. “And history so he’d know something about the world. I told him, cheating on homework would eventually get the best of him.”

High school classmate Harris Trinsky said Donald didn’t trust teachers, books, science, or learning anything. “Donnie thought the grading system was rigged,” Trinsky said. “He even ran for class president, and the school’s Russian club was in on that somehow.”

School dean James Comely said Donald’s old homework was discovered to be in somebody else’s handwriting. “I’m going to start an investigation into this,” Comely said. “We may need to revoke his diploma, unless the Trump Organization would like to help fund our playground renovation project. I can make deals too, Mr. President.”