HEMPSTEAD – This year’s presidential debates are sure to be a fiery affair, at least in one respect, if negotiators get their way. Party officials from both the RNC and DNC are demanding that the temperature inside the debate halls be set at 500°F to reflect the hell on Earth that awaits us all. It’s not uncommon for party officials to discuss proposals by the candidates (everything from podium height to the exclusion of “gotcha” questions) with each other and with debate organizers. However, when it comes to temperature control, as well as the certainty of the end of days, the two parties are in total agreement.
Reince Priebus, head of the Republican National Committee, wants the televised debates to accurately reflect the apocalyptic fate that awaits all Americans. “If you ask our voting base, they’ll tell you that the end times are nigh. I say it’s time we give the people what they want: a preview of the rapture that’s sure to come under either a Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton presidency.” The head of the Democratic National Committee Debbie Wasserman Schultz, herself trapped in political purgatory, agreed. “Our main goal this fall is to get Hillary Clinton elected and to move one step closer to the doomsday scenario that we all know is coming. The oven-like conditions inside the debate hall are appropriate to set the tone for the coming four years, and will put candidate’s right at home inside a demonic inferno of their own making.”
There are some significant disagreements between the two camps concerning the debate décor, however. Trump’s campaign is requesting that a large “lake of fire” fountain with a statue of the six headed beast be installed in the background, which Trump said would, “class up the event.” Hillary’s campaign staff rejected this proposal, stating that this fixture would be ‘gaudy and distasteful.’ Instead, Hillary campaign staffers request that the Earth simply be split open to reveal a bubbling cauldron of hellfire gurgling up from the depths of the underworld. These minor details are still being worked out. However it turns out, viewers are sure to be in for one hell of a show.