O’Reilly Claims he was Only Grabbing Headlines

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Bill O'Reilly

NEW YORK – Countering accusations of sexual harassment from former female staffers, the recently let go Fox News host Bill O’Reilly claimed this week that he was only grabbing headlines.

“Look, I am…well, I WAS in the entertainment business, and in that business you can’t just fantasize about grabbing headlines. You gotta reach out and fondle those babies.” said O’Reilly, the former number one rated cable host accused of domestic violence by his wife.

“I think that’s the best career advice I can give young political commentators starting out: make the headlines work for you, both on and off the clock, until your ratings are fully inflated and publicity is spewing everywhere.”

At press time, reporters could discern a distinct panting of breath and faint fapping sound at the close of O’Reilly’s phone interview.