NRA Announces No Return Policy on Congressional Purchases

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WASHINGTON – On the heels of yet another shooting, people and businesses alike are looking to disassociate themselves from the NRA after further outcry from the public against the organization and their big donors. The NRA however, who has already spoken out against any measures remotely resembling gun-control reform, has called no givsies-backsies when it comes to their pay-rolled constituents in Washington. NRA President Wayne LaPierre addressed the media in response to recent criticism.

“Look, we paid good money for these mindless drones,” said LaPierre. “Politicians don’t run cheap ya know and now that we got ‘em we have no intention of returning them to the American people.”

Gun activists and right wing politicians are now doubling down in response to the pressure against the NRA, encouraged by this new threat against them in what will surely send supporters running for their nearest gun store. Empty shell and NRA stoolie Paul Ryan also addressed the media this Tuesday, saying that the government still has the peoples’ best interest at heart and shootings such as these of late should be a learning experience for the country.

“Tragedies like this remind us exactly why we need guns in the first place – to protect ourselves against legislators trying to take our guns,” said Ryan. The speech was made even more impressive by the fact you could hardly see LaPierre’s mouth move as Paul Ryan spoke his words.