Newest American Girl ‘Tammy-Lynn’ Struggles With Drug Abuse, Failing Test Scores & Abject Poverty


MIDDLETON, WI- Designers and members of the doll development team at American Girl headquarters gathered this week for the grand unveiling of a new character, doll and book series sure to entice tween girls nationwide: Tammy-Lynn. This new character hails from modern day back-woods Arkansas, where she lives in a crowded RV with her pregnant mom, step-dad/uncle Cletus, and her 4 younger brothers. She accessorizes with a confederate flag tube-top and a can of Coors Light.

Facing lagging sales, the American Girl franchise is departing from teaching the fundamentals of American history to girls 8-12 by introducing Tammy-Lynn as their “Girl of the Year.”  Doll designer Artie Culater explained at press time that they wanted to reach girls right where they live with Tammy-Lynn.

“She’s feisty, but she can only read and write at a second-grade level thanks to her district’s really poor test scores,” said Culater, “but, she’s really determined to make life better for the dilapidated RV park by selling meth and bootleg liquor from her step-dad’s distillery! Our girls are always innovators.”

With help from her super-racist Mee-maw, and her adopted stray cat, Fleabite, Tammy Lynn works hard to get justice for her biological father, who’s imprisoned for arson & destruction of property after an Alt-Right protest. She’s also the first American Girl to join the AA sobriety program after her meth addiction leads to a heroin addiction, which leads to armed robbery!

“We just want to get our message out to young girls that a juvie sentence and hard drugs don’t have to mean your potential is squandered forever,” said Culater. “Statistically, there are a lot more tween girls serving time these days. There are way more offenders than American history buffs, anyway.”

The Tammy-Lynn doll collection will be available in March 2018, retailing from $200-$1,695.99 for her complete RV Park playset. When asked how affordable that would be for the average rural Arkansas family, an American Girl spokesman spat out a fat wad of chew.