New Zealand Man Actually Finishes Full Stick Of ChapStick

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closeup of a hand holding chapstick

WELLINGTON – In what some scientists and historians are describing as the greatest human feat ever achieved by a single person, Mr. Oliver Jack of New Zealand actually managed to finish a full stick of ChapStick by himself. Jack purchased the stick forty years ago in 1976, and rubbed the last bit on his lips this past Friday August 12, 2016. Jack didn’t once lose the stick of lip balm (he only misplaced it in the couch cushions once for a brief period in 1982), and used it at least twice every day to keep his lips feeling moist. “I guess I’m just odd like that. No matter what season it is, I can’t stand dry lips. No sir.”

As to how many times he had to apply the balm before he ran out, Jack’s lips were sealed. “That’s like asking how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop. I mean, nobody really knows..” Jack now refers to the ChapStick as the best purchase he’s ever made. “No telling how much money I saved by not losing that sucker. And In addition to all the fame it’s brought me, what else has that kind of staying power? It’s the Everlasting Gobstopper of toiletries. I’ve changed cars, wives, houses, but not my ChapStick. Through hair metal and emo pop, my ChapStick was in the pocket of my torn Levi’s or flannel shirt.”

Jack’s hands began to tremble and his voice grew soft as the weight of his achievement hit him, and the emotional relationship he had with an inanimate stick of lip balm permeated his thoughts. Just then Jack dried his tears, and tossed the stick in the trash. “Welp, onto the next one. How much do these things cost nowadays? A dollar?” Jack seemed excited about his future lip quenching adventure. “Hopefully I can finish off one more stick before I’m finished myself.”