Nations’ White Nerds Nervously Administer Fist Bumps & “What Up Dawgs?” at Black Panther Opening Weekend


AUSTIN, TX – As the most anticipated superhero blockbuster to date, Marvel’s Black Panther is expected to draw thousands to theaters this weekend. Tickets at the Alamo Drafthouse Ritz are already sold out, but this hasn’t stopped black families, friend groups and super-fans from lining up for added showings. Also, you know, some totes cool white fanboys are expected to be in attendance, just chilling by themselves. Desperate for acceptance and racial healing. Would it be like, okay for them to throw up the Black Power raised fist? No? That’s cool. That’s cool.

Black audiences nationwide are celebrating unprecedented representation onscreen and off, in director Ryan Coogler’s cinematic masterpiece. For the first time, young Black viewers are seeing numerous Black characters with ample screen time and dialogue. Schlubby white dudes with encyclopedic knowledge of African leader T’Challa since the character’s original appearance in comics in July 1966 are hella excited, too. However, they are also concerned about how appropriate it would be to give a fist bump or call another patron ‘my brotha’. They have always said in their blogs that superhero franchises needed more people of color. They’ve always supported Black cinema, you know, just for the record.

Additionally, Black Panther is the best reviewed of any film in the Marvel franchise. Praise has been heaped upon the film for its slick design, effective storytelling, and for the justice it does for Black women in particular. Lupita Nyong’o, Danai Gurira, and Angela Bassett portray fierce warriors and leaders of fictional Wakanda, “who are smokin’ hot, might I add! Eh? Eh?” asked the nations white nerd-bros, nudging the person next to them in line suggestively. After their suggestive nudges were not reciprocated, the nerds collectively took back the statement, mumbling quietly about not objectifying women, or anything.

With Black Panther poised to deliver a record breaking opening weekend for Marvel and parent company Disney, plans are already underway for 2 sequel films, if viewership numbers are strong. With that, the nations’ primarily white studio executives and film investors joined with scruffy-bearded white nerds to dust off their hands and ask, “So, uh…are we cool?”

Unsure of what they should now be cool with (possibly a history of under-representation, or years of bigotry and violence), African American Black Panther fans have collectively declined to comment.