WASHINGTON D.C. – As the reality of the U.S. electing its first orange president sets in across the globe, another sobering truth is slowly dawning on everyday Americans. According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, the nation will become at least 23% less cool when Obama steps down from office. The nation also stands to lose 31% of its swag along with 42% of its chill, and those are just conservative estimates.
Statistics-guru Adele Drake broke down why America is looking at a seismic shift in hipness starting next January. “It’s hard to overstate the effect of having a cool black guy in our highest office, and in this case orange definitely is not the new black. Obama is a guy who slays on the basketball court, kills flies like The Karate Kid in the middle of an interview, and sings Al Green like he’s the world’s bae. According to Drake, “At least Hillary would have been our first female president, which is inherently cool, but the Donald ain’t trill, has zero chill, and isn’t even a little bit woke. I can’t even.”
Worse yet, the international community is quickly catching up to the United States. “We’re losing major ground to the Canadians,” warned Drake. “Justin Trudeau is slaying with his progressive agenda, on fleek dance moves and winning smile. He’s hip AF right now.” The only hope, says Drake, is for the US to elect another cool black guy in four years. “Dat Cory Booker though, #allthefeels #squadgoals.”