CHICAGO – Everyone’s favorite yellow nightmare just added another trophy to its spine-tingling collection. Mr. Peanut, Planter’s famed mascot and dream-haunter, was voted the World’s Creepiest Mascot by the Stuff That Scares Us Foundation for the 100th year in a row. With his signature Jack-the-Ripper top hat, dead-eyed stare through his white lifeless monocle, and serial killer smile, Mr. Peanut is truly the horror show that just can’t stop scaring.
The psychopathic peanut’s win was all the more impressive because competition was stiff this year. The Kool-Aid man, a perennial contender and frequent runner-up, ran a hard campaign, literally running and breaking through walls to scare voters. The Burger King’s King also competed ferociously for the title. However, experts say The King lost votes because Burger King’s ad campaign tried self-consciously to make the murderous-looking mascot seem creepy, while Mr. Peanut is naturally disturbing and required no extra effort on Planter’s part.
Stepping up to the podium to receive his award, Mr. Peanut addressed the frightened crowd in his sinister Victorian accent, “I would like to thank a few folks who helped me get here. First off, thank you to Satan, the demon by which all evil things are possible. Secondly, thank you to all the adults who eat my nuts, but turn the container away towards the wall when they feel their arm hair stand on end. And finally, I especially want to thank all of the little boys and girls out there who wake up in terror with visions of my smiling, lifeless face in their imaginations. Go back to sleep, little ones, and I’ll see you in your dreams.”