MCLEAN, VA- Mars Candy has confirmed that if drastic changes aren’t made immediately to combat the effects of global warming, there will be little to stop candy stains on the hands of millions of consumers. As global temperatures continue to rise, the structure of M&M’s candy and amount of colorful hand residue have become increasingly unstable, leaving many stranded in rising tides of melted candy coating.
“This should be no surprise to environmentally conscious candy fans,” commented Dr. Marcia Meloh, a leading confectionary scientist. “We’ve been preparing for this contingency since Nestlé Sno-Caps first began diminishing in size and increasing in viscosity. We are entering an era where things like jimmies and candy coating will have no solid chocolate left to cling to.”
Mars Candy is raising awareness for the now defunct M&M’s slogan ‘melts in your mouth, not in your hands,’ with the social media hashtag #rainbowhands. Fans are encouraged to send in photos of their messy hands, pant cuffs, and rising chocolate tide lines on their flooded homes. Funds raised in campaigns to combat M&M Candy melting go directly to hosing down chocolate encrusted polar bears.
There are still those that proport that global warming is a hoax and that the melted chocolate devastation is nothing more than an industry-wide conspiracy to sell more runny chocolate. Noted chocolate-melt deniers have taken to social media with winter photos of solid M&M’s, dry in their hands, using the hashtags #chocolatemeltingisamyth and #mandmhoax.
Mars CEO Grant F. Reid, however, sees this as an opportunity to embrace making small changes to ensure future generations can eat their candy with clean hands. “Our confectionary scientists have warned us for decades that this was coming,” said Reid at press time, “and it’s our responsibility, nay- our privilege to enrobe the earth in a protective candy shell so there is something left for our children to enjoy.”