Millennial Discovers You Have to Get a Paycheck to Live Paycheck to Paycheck

Inside view of refrigerator. Young man peering in to see just one empty mayonnaise jar inside.

CHICAGO – James Simmons, recent DePaul graduate with a degree in sociology, has been having a hard time adjusting to the “real world.” After taking the traditional post-college year-and-a-half of living in his parent’s basement, it was decided for him that it was time to move out. His parents, Judy and Michael, were sad to see their only child leave but excited for his future and the possibility of putting a Bowflex in his old room.

James told our field reporter about some of the struggles he has been having, such as, “When I was living at home, food was always just around. I still find myself opening the fridge multiple times a day to see if anything has changed,” and “I thought hand soap just came with a house!” Mr. Simmons has had several part-time jobs including dog walker, delivery guy, and Uber driver, but usually just resorts to sending negative reviews to chain restaurants so they send him gift cards.

We here at the New Roman Times decided to use some of our resources to set up an interview for James at a local staffing company. We were told that he aced the interview by saying his biggest weakness was “working too hard” and that if he was any condiment he’d be ketchup because it “goes with everything.” James had this to say regarding the new job, “So far it’s pretty great. When I heard I’d get two paychecks a month, I was psyched, but no one told me that only one of them was the good paycheck that I got to keep after you pay your, um, bills?…I think that’s what they’re called.” We wish James the best of luck.