Midwest Resumes Doorstep Package Theft Today


CHICAGO – After a grueling cold front shut down operations for packaging thieves across the Midwest this week, temperatures shot back up today and have allowed for the backbone of petty crime to safely return to work. 

“I’m so happy to be back” said veteran porch pirate Wade Garfield.  “A cold winter is usually a blessing for us package thieves. The cold means less people on the street, more dogs locked inside, and the frost blurs up those doorbell cameras real nice.”

That hadn’t been the case this past week however, as a record-setting arctic freeze set in over the Midwest that kept both delivery-expecting home dwellers and hardworking package thieves bundled up inside.

“At some point you start to wonder where your next meal is coming from” said package thief Teresa Caroll. “All I could think of is the people actually receiving the Blue Apron boxes they ordered.”  

While it seems things have thawed out for the time being, early weather reports are already predicting an equally cold February – something that could spell even more trouble for the doorstep daredevils.

“As if it wasn’t bad enough” says one Terry Staples. “People don’t understand this is hard work. It’s not all Xboxes and iPhones. You think you’re swiping a new laptop or Blu-Ray player. You bend over and BOOM, it’s a do-it-yourself rock garden and there goes your back.”