Buzz over the cryptocurrency Bitcoin has been peaking interest across the globe, and confusion over the technology has left some people wondering “just what the hell IS a bitcoin?” While it’s a well-known fact that no one actually has a clue, local man Todd Grifty is taking it upon himself to explain it in detail to all of his friends – even if it means just making it up as he goes along.
Joel, a friend of Todd, who had long heard him describe the hi-tech coin as “digital gold” and “the future of all currencies,” figured it was high time he sat down and got an explanation of what exactly it is. Todd was more than happy to clear up any confusion:
So what is a Bitcoin?
Todd: “Its money on the internet! But not real money. Well, it’s as real as money in your bank account! But really it doesn’t exist at all. It is stored in a wallet though! But the wallet doesn’t exist either.
Uhh right. Well, where did it come from?
Todd: “Satoshi Nakamoto”
Am I supposed to know who that is?
Todd: “That’s the point! Nobody knows who he is. It’s a pseudonym. Some say it’s Alexey Pajitnov, the original creator of Tetris, but I think it’s some guy sent back in time to deliver advanced technology to the modern age. You know, kinda like the Terminator.”
What!? That sounds scary. Is it safe?
Todd: “It’s the safest payment form of payment there is! You just have to look out for miners.”
What do the miners do?
Todd: “Err well..they’re crypto-thieves who mine under your house and come up through your floorboards so they can go steal your coins while you sleep.”
That doesn’t sound safe at all.
Todd: “Well that’s why we have the blockchain.”
What’s the blockchain?
Todd: “It’s the code name for the group of computer wizards who are sending out these bitcoins in the mail.
Wait, in the mail? I thought it was a “virtual” currency?
Todd: “Nooo, no don’t you see? They only want you to THINK it’s not physical because that’s how it’s kept so private. It’s a secret.”
Todd: “Shh just buy some and it’ll all make sense.”