ANCHORAGE, ALASKA – This morning a jury convicted Hunter Fox to 30 years in prison for killing two bald eagles with one stone. Mr. Fox, who police say is crooked as his abused dog’s hind legs, acted like a cat got his tongue during cross examination. Further, witnesses said that Mr. Fox clearly had butterflies in his stomach throughout the trial and sweated like a pig when the verdict was announced.
Earlier in the hearing, the Anchorage community came out of its shell to testified about Fox’s hunting excursions. “He went on all night wild goose chases, collecting dozens of birds in one fell swoop,” said his neighbor Mr. Ed on the witness stand. “He was keenly aware that birds of a feather flock together – which helped him trap more prey – and believed that a dead bird in the hand was worth two in the bush.” According to Mr. Ed, Fox routinely went after helpless sitting ducks and was also fond of eating crow.
It quickly became apparent to the jury that Fox took to killing animals like a fish to water. Fox admitted on the stand that he had a nasty habit of grabbing bulls by the horns and that he got his goats on midnight trips to neighboring farms. This was corroborated by local farmers, who over the past several months watched their livestock drop like flies. However, the only animal Mr. Fox admitted to killing in court was what he derisively referred to as his “one trick pony.”
Ultimately it was his killing of a nationally protected bird, the bald eagle, that finally brought Mr. Fox to justice. Police caught up to Fox on his secluded ranch, where they discovered the suspect beating a dead horse until it was almost unrecognizable. He tried playing possum, but the police had been watching Fox like a hawk and picked the perfect moment to pounce.
Once Fox was safely detained, officers were horrified to discover the contents of his home, which included cans of worms, jars of crocodile tears, a freezer full of cold turkey, a barrel of bats in the belfry and meticulously kept jars full of the hair of the dogs that bit him. Several dead rabbits were also pulled out of a hat.
More horrors awaited authorities in the barn, where he would hold his horses and other animal victims. It was in this barn where he lead dozens of animals to slaughter, ensuring that every dog had his day. It was clear by the flesh hanging from the ceiling that Mr. Fox knew more than one way to skin a cat. Luckily, authorities found no elephants in the room.
After his sentencing, reporters asked Fox how he could be so cruel, to which he replied, “Well, that’s the nature of the beast,” later claiming insanely that “a little bird told me” to do it. As he was being lead away, a pesky bug landed on his nose, but court reporters were shocked to discover that Fox wouldn’t harm a fly.