GALVESTON – Upon meeting with his usual drinking pals, computer programmer and noted mansplainer Emmett Blather was prevented from holding court during SnakeEyes Pub’s 25 Cent Wing Night. “I don’t know what’s wrong,” Blather’s female cohort Bethany Keller, stated, “usually, you can’t shut Emmett up when he’s explaining movie plots, wage gaps or feminist theory to any woman in earshot.”
Blather was reportedly unable to continue mansplaining when his table was joined by local Hispanic software design team member Enrique Hernandez and Deborah Tate, an African American member of the HR team. Blather’s instinct to mansplain was overridden by the urge to whitesplain, and his eyes proceeded to glaze over while a thin line of drool pooled on the table under his mouth. Blather remained unresponsive for at least 45 minutes.
At first, the table reported, Blather volleyed between each of his tablemates. “Actually Bethany,” he’d announced, “the reason for a wage gap is so much more complex than just gender, I’d have to break it down and explain it to you. And Deborah, the reason for a much larger gap for African American women in the workplace goes back to a 1971 legal ruling, from… and Enrique, holy crap, man, I could talk for days about the prejudices you face in the hiring process, just based on your name, I mean…”
At this point, Blather just began mumbling and stammering, his tablemates verified. He was rendered completely unable to decide which topic he’d be the foremost white male resource.