Major Airlines Will Soon be Weighing You with Your Bags

Front counter of airline boarding where baggage is weighed

DALLAS – Delta, American, and Southwest, along with most of the world’s major airlines, will soon begin weighing customers with their bags. Flyers will be asked to place their luggage on a scale, take their shoes off, and then cram in on top of their bags while customer service agents calculate the combined weight.  Passengers will then be handed a bill with a base ticket price plus overall weight.

Gary C Kelly, CEO of Southwest Airlines, explained the move and why the markets were heading in that direction. “These fees are like popcorn at the movies, or what late fees were to Blockbuster; it’s where companies make the real money. Spirit pioneered the technique of charging extra for everything from a single carry-on bag to soda. Now that was a good idea. And this new policy just continues on in that proud, penny pinching tradition.“

When asked about how travelers will react, Kelly replied, “At first, people will be amazed at the low prices of tickets, then they’ll be a little annoyed with the add-on charges the first time they try to pack in an extra pair of walking shoes or a hardback novel.  In no time, they’ll be packing light and skipping meals before showing up to the airport. They’ll be so hungry by the time they get to the gate, they won’t be able to resist the wafting scents of Cinnabon through the terminal.” When asked if this new policy might cause a customer revolt, Kelly dismissed the notion. “Oh no, of course not. People aren’t going to stop flying, so we’ve basically got them by the balls. Plus our flight attendants are now sassy and fun, so that should sufficiently distract them from how much they’re getting screwed.”