Paradise City – In a move that will surely placate many who have argued that times have gotten pretty damn Old Testament, God has decided to issue a total do over for the disastrous year 2016.
In a hastily assembled press conference run by dearly departed actor Alan Rickman — reprising his role as Metatron in the 1999 film Dogma – details of the great undoing were revealed. First, he explained a little of the thought process that led to the decision.
“So basically, He’s saying He’s heard your cries and your lamentations,” Rickman/Metatron said. “He’s also totally been picking up on the shade you’re throwing Him in those subtweets, and don’t get me started on the hot takes and click bait think pieces. Worst year ever. He gets it.”
Rickman/Metatron did not go into a great deal of detail explaining the mechanics of the great work. “Frankly, there’s a lot of metaphysical shenanigans and stuff straight out of Interstellar and Inception – yeah go bother Nolan – and yadda yadda, we all wake up and it’s January first 2016.”
Final details of the plan indicated that while God would chill out with the celebrity body count, he would not budge on his long time policy of granting mortals free will. However he did not rule out the possibility of an intense program of seriously horrific prophetic dreams to put people off the idea of things like Trump, Brexit, and shootings by police and random asshats.