WASHINGTON DC – Leaked documents from the Republican National Committee have proved what many savvy political minds have long suspected – there is no way in hell, such a horrendously awful crop of Presidential candidates could be assembled by chance. The party finds itself so devoid of quality veteran political talent, the only way out is to cut their losses and go for a total rebuild.
“Okay, maybe the Trump thing was overkill,” said a party insider who wished to remain anonymous. “But we had to be certain to burn this mother down and scatter the ashes. Sure, people find the idea of not even trying to run a halfway decent candidate pretty ah … deplorable. It is what is though.”
The story the documents tell is one all too familiar to NBA fans forced to look to ping pong balls for salvation. Since the debacle of the Republican National Convention, there has been rumblings that the party is shamelessly tanking this election season in order to have a better shot at quality draft picks. While the Republican’s official stance has been that their organization always strives to put the best product on the House and Senate hardwood, they have been particularly complimentary of the incoming freshmen.
“Look, this a strong draft class. It’s also a deep one. I think we can get talent up and down the board,” another insider remarked. “We can afford to go for someone with freakish charisma early and not worry about their lack of policy chops or maybe if they have a few skeletons in the closet. It’s that deep man. Granted, a lot of that talent seems to be pretty liberal. You never know, though. You never know.”