MINNEAPOLIS – Angst and confusion are growing over a situation at the Gap supercenter in the Mall of America. Store officials estimate that for the last twenty minutes, Florence Cluelesson has been waiting in line behind several lifeless mannequins displaying men’s beach casual gear. Gap employees as well as several customers have all tried to avoid eye contact with Mrs. Cluelesson, but there have been at least two reported incidents of an awkward smile and head-nod exchange with the unwitting woman.
“It’s excruciating” admitted checkout clerk Fred Stampson. “Everyone in the whole store knows what’s going on, but nobody wants to be the first to tell her. How do you delicately broach that subject? ‘Uh, excuse me ma’am, but have you realized how much of a moron you’re being right now?’” Stampson did admit to extending a short olive branch. “I tried motioning for her to come over to my lane when it opened up, but she just waived me off. Jesus Christ, lady, take the hint!”
Others in the store speculated as to how anyone could possibly be that thick. “I suppose she just thinks this is a normal wait time for a line inside the Mall of America,” hypothesized Gretchen Mckenrdee. “I would say that maybe she’s really hungover or highly medicated, but she’s just smiling and acting lucid as anyone else in the store. Oh God, when she realizes what she’s doing it’s going to be so awkward. The longer it takes, the worse it’s going to be. Oh God…Oh God, I can’t watch this…”
Latest reports show that Mrs. Cluelesson just started to play Candy Crush on her phone. Management predicts this will add seconds, even minutes, till the penny clicks and she grasps what’s going on. It looks like patrons and workers will just have to endure this embarrassing episode until Mrs. Cluelesson snaps out of it, or somebody grows some balls and goes to talk to her.