Jesus Waiting for the Right Grilled Cheese to Appear on Next

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Jesus' face on a slice of toast

THE AFTERLIFE – The Holy Trinity might want to rebrand itself as the Father, the Son, and the Holy Toast, as our lord and savior Jesus Christ gears up to appear on someone’s grilled cheese sandwich this fall. Which piece of bread, and in whose kitchen? Heavenly sources say that is still to be determined. When asked whether this indeterminacy suggested he was not all-knowing, Jesus replied, “Omniscience is my thing. Faith is your thing. If I told you every piece of toast I’d end up with my face on, that would take all the fun out of our whole dynamic. No, this next grilled cheese will be a surprise for the lucky bread eater. Or Me-eater, I should say. Bread is my body, after all.”

When asked why, out of all the things in the cosmos that could be done to better the human condition and life in general, he would choose to put his face on someone’s sandwich, Jesus revealed that he had other, more competitive motives. “Look, I’m just trying to keep up with the Virgin Mary at this point,” said Jesus. He is of course referring to an incident in which a Florida woman, Diane Duyser, saw the Virgin Mary on her toasted cheese sandwich. Mrs. Duyser eventually sold the piece of bread on eBay for $28,000 dollars. “Right now my main concern is that my grilled cheese sandwich sells more on eBay than the Virgin Mary’s,” said Jesus. “I am not about to be outdone by her ‘holiness.’”

When asked if that is indeed the real Virgin Mary on the Florida woman’s toast, Jesus replied, “Of course it is. We holy figures pop up in all kinds of places – on people’s foods, in the grains of wood on people’s doors, in a reflection off of people’s ponds… you name it, and we’re there. Trust me, when you’re granted everlasting life, you find creative ways to pass the time.” When asked why he didn’t use that time to answer prayers, Jesus replied, “That’s exactly what I’m doing. The number one thing people pray for is a sign. What could feel more like a direct message from the Man upstairs than flipping over your Swiss-on-sourdough only to see my glistening golden face staring back at you from your skillet. It will be a miraculous moment indeed.”