Jeff Bezos Publicly Beheads Geoffrey The Giraffe to Send a Message to Retail Stores

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WAYNE, NJ – Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos called an impromptu press conference today announcing that he had a powerful message to deliver to retailers around the world. Viewers who tuned in were surprised to see Bezos, front and center stage, wielding a machete with the Toys”R”Us’ mascot Geoffrey the Giraffe on the chopping block.

Signaling the end of brick and mortar stores as we know it, Jeff Bezos didn’t waste time when it came to addressing the elephant giraffe in the room:

“While the demise of the Toys”R”Us chain was a slow, lingering process, I assure you, our spotted friend here won’t suffer the same fate!” Bezos yelled to a chanting crowd before bringing the machete down.

The thud that followed resonated loudest with those of us who claim to be a Toys”R”Us Kid for life, but the scene was made lighter when from the torso gushed forth waves of legos, hot wheels, ponies, yo-yos and all of our favorite childhood toys. Geoffrey now joins the likes of once beloved mascots such as the Chuck E. Cheese, Count Chocula and the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He is survived by his wife Gigi and children Geoffrey Jr. and Baby Gee.

With his death, many are left wondering which retail store (and mascot) will be next to go. Some have already dubbed Amazon responsible for quietly snuffing out Wal-Mart’s yellow “Rollback” smiley face, and now, with Amazon’s eye on the Target Corporation, it’s safe to say that Target’s own mascot Bullseye may soon go the way of Ol’ Yeller.