MT. PLEASANT, MICH — In a shocking turn, hordes of suddenly unemployed ESPN anchors have taken to roaming the suburbs and small towns of America in search of fresh sports fodder. Desperate to offer unfiltered, and often unsubstantiated claims about any young, athletic talent, the hordes have mercilessly invaded little leagues.
While just a little over two weeks have passed since the ESPN layoffs, the unrelenting fury of the horde’s hot takes have left smoking ruins in their wake from Bristol to the Midwest. There are no signs of stopping.
Local man Don Gordon related his traumatic tale. “There we were watching our kids – we’re talking 8-year-olds here. We’re watching our kids play a tee ball game, and next thing you know, Jay Crawford is screaming about how my son isn’t happy here anymore and is exploring options with his agent. What the hell was that about?”
The same sad spectacle took place at a nearby soccer field. Former ESPN soccer writer Mike Goodman loudly condemned the coach’s formations. Within minutes, an all-out riot had been ignited.
“Formations,” beleaguered coach Mason Jones exclaimed. “These are five-year-old kids here. Most of them are tripping over the ball half the time or scoring on their own goals. That’s if they aren’t distracted by ladybugs or random birds. Why do I have to convince people that we don’t need to worry about playing a 4-4-2 or 4-3-3? These kids can barely count, much less line up in formation!”