As Holidays Approach, Nation Forgoes Online Arguments in Favor of Face to Face Fights With Family

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woman with boxing gloves on punching a man in the face

CHAMPAIGN – As virtual strife runs amuck in post-election America, the casualties can be counted with easily discernable statistics; blocks, bans, and unfriendings, among them. For most of America’s angry populace however, inflicting this kind of digital carnage is ultimately an empty, bloodless act. Luckily for them, the approach of the holiday season will avail endless opportunities for inflicting pain on those that matter the most – family.

With years of unresolved, tension floating like napalm in the veins of its collective bodies, this fraught political climate may prove to be the most potent source of fuel for a combustible nation since the Civil War. The Anderson family of Champaign Illinois expects to have three generations trapped under one roof. Jack Anderson offered his thoughts.

“Yeah, I got the kids coming down from Chicago, and they’re a couple of Bernie hippies, so that’s not gonna play well with my wife’s side of the family, that’s for sure. Hope they know how to handle themselves – the older folks might not know what dank memes are, but they can still dredge up some of your most traumatizing childhood experiences and use them against you. And usually people just keep their thoughts about Aunt Josephine and her lady friend to themselves, but I don’t know.”

Ultimately though, Jack had faith that the deep bonds of a family gathered around the dinner table will overcome the bitterness, hate, and fear that solitary figures behind computer screens have cultivated into high art.

“Love trumps hate after all. There will be a little pain. Hell, there may be a little blood, but we’ll come together in the end. We’re family after all. If all else fails, we’ll have to join forces for Black Friday at the Walmart. Family is a good thing to have at your back when it’s the ass crack of dawn and you’re breaking through a horde of scum to get to the heavily discounted flat screens.”