Study Finds Guilt is the Main Factor in Length of Phone Call with Mom


THE BACK PORCH – A new study indicates that deep-seated guilt about not living up to your responsibilities as a son is the underlying cause for the extreme length of time that you’ve been on the phone with your mom. Reports indicate that her insistence that “she doesn’t even know what’s going on in your life anymore” has kept the discussion going on for far longer than you ever anticipated.

“According to our research, you would have been off the phone within five minutes if you were speaking about the same topics with someone who didn’t psychologically shame you into an hour-long conversation” said head researcher, your roommate Nick. “I suppose I’ll just play with my phone till you get done.”

A deeper analysis indicates that 30 percent of the conversation has consisted of your mom complaining about how she can never sleep, 2 percent of which was used to reject your suggestion to stop drinking coffee after 11:00pm because “coffee doesn’t affect me like that.”

Your mom’s recount of her interaction with Suzy, whose son was acting like you wouldn’t believe, accounted for another 20 percent. An additional 15 percent was used for gripes and reminders, that you should wear a warmer coat, get your mole checked out, and call your mother more often.

The remaining 35 percent was comprised of your mom’s interrogation about your personal life. These queries included whether your car was running okay, whether you had congratulated Stacy on her new baby, whether you were happy living in Chicago, where you felt you were headed in life generally, and whether you had any plans tonight. The last question has so far been asked and answered five times.

In Nick’s estimation, your mom has either not picked up on, or is completely ignoring, your tone of voice attempting to communicate a winding down of the interaction. There has so far been no indication that the phone call will stop soon, or even slow down. “I should probably just start the episode back up without you and let you catch up later,” reasoned Nick, who was beginning to feel a little neglected himself.

At press time, your mom hadn’t even gotten to telling you about the big to-do on Bill’s side of the family. Reports indicate that she’s got a lot to catch you up on.