Groundhog Sees Butt, Predicts 6 More Months of Trump


WASHINGTON – As the tradition goes, every February 2nd folks around the country gather together and wait with bated breath for our groundhog friend to awaken from his slumber and foretell the climate of upcoming weeks. Well, this past Friday, Punxstawney Phil once again emerged from his burrow, this time seeing only his own furry butt, which experts say predicts at least 6 more months of Trump.

While the president was quick to cite the rodent’s backside as proof against climate change, the rest of the country prepares to hunker down for more relentless weeks of: icy stares from Melania, frozen government legislation, and immigrants given the cold shoulder. The President will look to avoid the frigid conditions in Washington however, saying he plans to cuddle up with his favorite porn star and ride out the Storm. But for many of us, the upcoming weeks will simply feel like a reliving of the same day over and over again, as they have already for the better part of a year. Scandal, Deny, Deflect. Tweet, React, Tweet. It’s the same repeating cycle with every day being a chance for Trump to tell a new narrative – only in this version, there’s no chance of the protagonist coming out a better person.