Fridge Magnet Can’t Hold Utility Bill by Itself Much Longer

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Magnet holding

THE FRIDGE – ​Barely clinging to an unpaid ComEd bill with all its might, a local “It’s 5 O’Clock Somewhere, Margaritaville” fridge magnet can’t hold on by itself much longer.

“I don’t got much time left, she’s gonna drop!” said the fridge magnet, who knew the second he was placed over the bill that his weak magnetic field couldn’t sustain the weight of the sprawling, seven-page overdue notice.

“I might could have held on for maybe a week or two, but I’ve been cradling this packet of papers labelled ‘Past Due – Please Send Payment’ for three months now. Oh Christ, it feels like I’m holding a novel!”

The grizzled Jimmy Buffet-themed fridge magnet was put on bill-duty after the neighboring Homer Simpson chip-clip magnet wasn’t up to the task. But even the oversized “Margaritaville” knickknack could barely shoulder the weight, slowly sliding down the fridge well past the Talking Pig magnet put there by Aunt Karla years ago.

“Every time the fridge opens and closes, I lose a little bit of grip. I can’t keep going like this! I need backup,” said the Margaritaville magnet, excruciatingly aware that the magnetic poetry letters were doing nothing but spelling “bitches,” “Ho-Ho Honeys,” and other nonsensical phrases.

At press time, the man whose name is on the bill walked right up to the magnet, stared at the bill for a minute, but then proceeded to open the fridge door to grab another beer.