Food Scientists Create Gluten-Free Gluten

Gluten free infographic that illustrates how gluten free gluten works. Satire.

OMAHA – People with gluten intolerance are cheering a new dietary development: gluten-free gluten. Dr. Wallace Wheatberry and his team of food scientists are the first to successfully remove the gluten from gluten. “Before the millennium, the world was a pretty hostile place for people with gluten sensitivities.” Dr. Wheatberry said. “It was difficult to find gluten-free food. Gluten was in everything, and people sensitive to gluten just had to suffer, or starve.”

Gluten-free options have improved, and today major grocery stores have gluten-free sections, while many chain restaurants are adding gluten-free meals to their menus.

“Gluten-intolerant people used to be left behind when their friends went out to eat, because their strict diets were just too much of a pain to deal with,” the doctor said.

Now gluten-free gluten goes straight to the source. Dr. Wheatberry said he came up with the idea while attempting to make gluten-free muffins.

“At first I tried to make gluten-free gluten from scratch, but as it turns out, the main ingredient in gluten is…well, gluten.”

The doctor then isolated pure gluten in a laboratory and began removing the gluten. “There isn’t much left when you take all the gluten out of gluten,” he said. “In fact, there’s literally nothing left at all.” Despite the lack of any real substance in gluten-free gluten, Dr. Wheatberry points out its positive traits. “Gluten-free gluten has virtually no calories, saturated fat, artificial ingredients, or…any ingredients at all. It’s a nearly perfect food, although it’s not completely a food.” And, he’s not stopping there. His next goals are to create sodium-free salt, then carbohydrate-free sugar.